Eddy Be Roastin'
by rockybluewigs
Summary: Ficlet / I'm not being mean, or funny. I'm just speaking the truth about all of you. If you have a problem with that, you can all kiss it. By it, I mean my shiny metal ass. / Or rather, Eddy roasts on the Dooley-Davenports.


**Disclaimer: Ain't nobody got time to be owning Lab Rats.**

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Dee-doo, dee-dee-dee-doo-doop.

Response: Go fuck yourself.

Whatever, I have no time for this. I'm just gonna come out and introduce myself like a real person. My name's Eddy. I'm a home security system for the Davenport household. I'm also an asshole, according to Super-Speed Girl. I'm no such thing! I'm just a _truthful_, yet pedantic bastard that doesn't take shit from others.

My life is one crazy mess. It all started when Donnie got married, and I suddenly have another responsibility to take care of. As if the bionic teenagers living in the basement isn't hard enough.

So apparently, I'm supposed to share a nice little roast, so here it is. It may come off as a rant, but whatever. Who to start on...hmm…

Of course. Let's start on my creator!

Donnie - the _awesome_ (sarcasm) billionaire that owns a lot of gadgets and supervises three annoying piece of shits downstairs. However, I know that he didn't exactly create them. His brother did. I knew that even before the showdown. Enough about that anyway.

Like I was saying...you are _so_ _damn_ _narcissistic_. I mean seriously. Pick up a dictionary, look for the word 'narcissistic', and you will find a picture of yourself there. See? I told you! You're also a big kid, which I don't get. It apparently runs in the family, because your brother, Douglas, acts the same way.

You think you're _soooooo_ awesome, just because you're a billionaire. Wow,_ just_ a billionaire? I've met trillionaires, and the Harringtons are one of them. At least they're kind enough to praise me. All you've ever done is turn me off when I start singing, or talking smack about your gorilla wife.

Oh, she's definitely next. You're gonna love what I'm gonna say about her.

Let's also mention your room of _mirrors_. I mean, is this how you spend a quarter of your money, on _mirrors_? Why would anyone waste their money on mirrors, and then call it 'A Room Full of Me'? What is that? You're thirty-eight, and you still look like something that wiped out of your ass. Stop glorifying yourself.

I'm getting so bored, so I'm moving to the next target.

Ugh - Tasha. This gorilla looking, man-stealing, bossy...prick waltzes in my house, and expects me to be so nice to her. No no no, not today. Especially when you invite your full gorilla mother, and your _stupid_ book club. That short woman pushes my buttons every time she shows up, and I blame _you_.

I recoil every time I hear your name, and it's probably for a good reason. You're lucky I don't call animal control on your ass _every_ morning. Yeah, it's_ that_ bad, honey. Get with the program. It's been, what, a year? I _don't_ like you, and I never will. At least your son is tolerable, on most instances (when he's not screaming about his guy crush). You? I wished you and Leo didn't come as a package deal. It would be better for all of us.

I'm about to gag, hold on.

Alright, I'm back.

I hope you know, I haven't offered my side of the deal. You don't have _any_ control of my off switch, I still hate your stupid book club, and I'm _definitely_ calling animal control right now. You ain't got nothin' on me, King Kong. Beat your chest, because they're on the way.

I'm just going to go straight to my_ favorite_ (sarcasm) bionic kids that live in the basement. I don't care for their names, but you should know who you are. Let's start with...Smarty Pants.

Hey, smarty pants. Yeah, you. How much wood can a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Answer that in three seconds, and let's see what you got.

See? You're not that smart! You are a loser! You have the lamest polos, and a butch lesbian's haircut. I do remember your longer hair days, but you looked like an idiotic Justin Bieber. Let's face it...Chase, is it? You look like shit. But when you open your mouth...god.

You bore me to _death_, and I'm already _dead,_ so you're boring me _back to death_.

You can't even wrap your head around that joke, am I right? For a self-proclaimed 'smartest boy in the world', you're as dumb as Dumby McDumb Dumb, your brother. That's saying a lot, because he's dumber than a sack of peanuts.

Oh, and, I know who you dream about. Stop being so _damn_ nasty. She's your sister, for god's sake! How can you imagine thrusting into her _against a wall_, if she's your _goddamn_ sister? That's just wrong!

Speaking of your sister, let's talk about her. Miss Speedy Gonzalez. Miss I-Must-Have-My-Way-At-All-Times. Yeah, you. I can't choose who to hate more - you, or Tasha. The both of you are whiny little brats. However, you're the whiniest. Oh, give me a break! Smarty Pants and Dumby McDumb Dumb picked you as their target for pranks? You're tired of being a target for pranks? Go _cry me a river_ about your boy problems, sister.

Just because I'm not around to see Leo's little boy crush running around in the lab, it doesn't mean I must stop him at all times! I was getting some beauty sleep. I meant it when I say, something you should look into, because no makeup in the world would make you any less ugly.

Oops, did I strike a nerve?

My bad. _NOT._

You're so ugly, Donnie decided to call you Bree instead of 'shit happens'.

Don't roll your eyes at me! I know what you did last summer with Ethan at the sewing room upstairs! What is seen, cannot be unseen. Then again, I see the _gorilla warfare_ going at it with Donnie almost every night.

...Yes, I did just give you all a mental image of how that looks. Trust me, I have to endure _seeing_ that.

Whatever. Let's see...Dumby McDumb Dumb.

Don't smile at me, this is a roast! Don't you laugh, because I can go on and on about how stupid you are. You're so stupid, I saw you concentrating on a carton of orange juice because it's made from concentrate. You're so stupid, you brought a monster truck instead of a car because you wanted something bigger than your head. You're so stupid, you didn't know your own name for _ten years._

Guess what, your name is Dumby McDumb Dumb. Because you're a _dumb_ass.

I have to give you props for cracking on Smarty Pants's short stature. However, that doesn't excuse your giant stature either. Being tall isn't good either. It makes you look even more of an idiot, because you're so tall.

I'm so done with you laughing at me. I saved the best for last.

Yeah, you. Definitely you.

I meant Leo, you shit face. God, all of you are so dumb.

Okay. I must admit. Out of everyone in this house, I hate you a little less, Leo. Why? I don't know. You tend to be this short, accident-prone, partially narcissistic version of Donnie that I can't hate you _that_ much. However, that does not excuse you of a roast.

Yeah, I got something for you. What's your deal on screaming? The only time you don't scream is in your sleep...wait, that's not screaming, or the kind of screaming that would resemble a little girl screaming bloody murder.

What's your deal on joining the lab rats in missions? You're short, weak, and you _break_ things. I'm surprised that Donnie even lets you inside the lab without permission. Remember the LEMP, or the duplicator, or the ice maker? Yeah, I remember all of that. You broke all of them. So why should you become part of the team? Why should you have bionics? The world would be _doomed_ if you had bionics.

And why must you insist on Marcus being evil? We all know it already, you're in _love_ with him! Just admit it, and move on with your life. Your act with that girl is getting stale.

Hah, _gay_!

Yeah, I said it. Too bad. Because you are. Don't lie to everyone - that's what makes it more true, okay? Oh, I must tell all of you that when Marcus was alive, he would sneak in Leo's room and they would do things that would rival the _M_ rated section of fan-fiction. Yeah, that.

Well, that's enough for me. I'm not being mean, or funny. I'm just speaking the truth about all of you. If you have a problem with that, you can all kiss it. By it, I mean my _shiny metal ass_.

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**AN: And this is the crappy result of me writing something in under an hour. I cannot. It's so damn short, and choppy, and I gave up after a while...But to be honest, this is what Eddy would say about everyone. Just omit the cusses and the hints of Brase and maybe. JUST MAYBE. Personally, I love almost all of the characters (I can't stress it enough but Bree is an exception to this). Because, seriously, who else watches over, and hates the Dooley-Davenports more than Eddy? (COUGH)**

**Anyway then. Uh, I hope you somewhat enjoyed this mess. I sure did...a little. Review please. There's no way I'm continuing, so please don't add this to alerts or demand me to continue, because I will not continue, in what I call, brain vomit. ;) Love you guys!**

**If you're here because I wrote Five Months...then, HI! (insert heart here)**


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